Stephanie stood at the side of the cabin; she could hear her mother talking to her pregnant aunt. “Yeah I remember reading the pregnancy test and going “Crap.” she chuckled nonchalantly, “You know?” The others chuckled in agreement. “My god” she muttered quietly to herself “The first feelings my mom has towards me was that?…And the others hate me too?” Her heart sank, she felt so overwhelmed it was hollowing. She felt nothingness and loneliness, thinking about all the times her mother and relatives have shown anger and disappointment towards her.

“They hate me…They all wish I was dead.” she thought, plopping down into a patio chair and held her head. “Fuck this!” She shot up from the chair and walked to their little circle, grabbing a can of Coors Lite. “She allowed to have that?” one of her aunts asked her mother. “Sure she is; she’s my little man huh Steph?” patting her daughter’s thigh. Stephanie swatted her hand away with a fling. “Ey! What’s your problem?” Stephanie crushed the can and threw it aside in anger before grabbing three more beers and walking off. “Stephanie!” She stopped “What!?” “What’s wrong with you?” she questioned a bit lower when she caught up to her. “You hate me, you all hate me!” she said hastily in a voice just as low as her mother’s. “What!? How could you think that!?” “I heard you, the first thought you had about me was that I was a burden to you!” “I love you Stephanie. You just don’t know what it was like to think you weren’t gonna get knocked up, and BOOM, ya do!” “So great, I’m an accident on top of it; is there a consolation prize that comes with that??” “Yes, I love you…What more could I provide to you?” Stephanie looked at her hopelessly saying “…No you don’t.” and walked away into the woods.

She came along a familiar trail leading to the lake their cabin overlooked. After drinking all three beers, she felt a little more than buzzed. She sat sobbing for a long time before going back and locking herself in her room for the night. The next day was hard; all her school friends had noticed she grew more reclusive and silent. They’d ask her what’s wrong, but got nothing back, or an “I don’t wanna talk about it.” After her art class, her teacher asked her if she was okay. Stephanie sighed hopelessly and said “I feel very…unappreciated and unloved.” “Oh wow…Uhm with who specifically--I mean your friends seem to love you…I love you.” “My whole goddamn family…Sorry for cussing.” “It’s okay sweetie” she said, taking her hands in her own, rubbing the girl’s fingers with her thumbs. “You wanna come to my place this afternoon?” Stephanie was shocked but excited at the same time “Sure!” “Okay! I’ll be in the teacher parking lot after school kay?” “Kay.”

Since Stephanie considered her teacher, Ms.Vogel, her only best friend, it wasn’t hard to feel comfortable in her home. “Do you want to draw? I can put some music on; what do you listen to?” “Sure; uhhm…You probably wouldn’t have what I listen to in your collection.” “You’d be surprised.” “Well…Let’s start off with my favourite Beatles song “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”.” “I’ve got that. Just let me find it on my…iPod here.” she said as she dialed through her albums. The song started and Stephanie eased into drawing. Ms.Vogel drew her drawing, how could she not, the faces she was making were cute. When Stephanie finished, she tossed the sketchpad onto the coffee table beside her and plopped her left forearm over her eyes, leaving her right dangling off the couch she was laying on. “Wow…You’re really sad aren’t you?” “I feel trapped is more like it…I’m never sad. The only emotions I feel are anger. Not sadness, happiness, or love--none of that.” Ms.Vogel blushed “Well I don’t believe that Steph…You don’t have to put up a tough front for me okay? I like you for who you are; you can tell me how you’re feeling.”

The girl removed her arm and looked at her as if thinking “yeah right” and sighed through her nose “I feel like complete shit……I feel like my entire family’s wearing this mask that says “I love you” but they don’t show it ever. And my girlfriend broke up with me recently--so now I’ve got two ex-girlfriends. Maybe I need to be like how I’ve been shown, and be a total ass, but then tell them I love them…tch.” “Oh don’t say that! Steph!” “Nice, you got Billy Squier on here.” Stephanie said as she changed the music to “My Kind of Lover” and played the air drums to it. Ms.Vogel looked at her and thought “I’m the only person she really trusts, and even I can’t get her to open up.” She smiled “You like the drums huh? Usually people air guitar.” “Yeah. I don’t have a drum set; my friend Shasta does though. I just hit stuff. My friends say I’m pretty good.” she shrugged. The woman got up and walked over to her. She placed her hands on her shoulders “Steph, sweetie…I know there’s something you’re not telling me. What is it?”

The girl blushed when she touched her shoulders, but even more so when she said that. “Ugh--I…I ugh. I-I.” Ms.Vogel went in front of her, keeping one hand on her shoulder still “What is it?” The girl looked at the floor, her cheeks still flush and heartbeat thumping loudly “I wish I was dead. I’ve been wanting to kill myself.” she admitted quickly, lowering her head even more in shame and embarrassment. “What!?” the woman said in shock “Are you really that depressed? Stephanie!!” “And I hate how my mom keeps making comments like calling me her little man just because she knows I’m gay and because I act a little manly. It’s not like she makes jokes once in a while, it’s often, and it’s starting to get to me.” “Don’t you tell her to stop?” “I hit her hand the last time she said something. Well I swatted it, I should say. She was patting my thigh and being a smart-ass…in front of my aunts an cousins too!” She started to tear up “…I want a mommy.” she uttered softly. “Oh god, sweetheaaart.” Ms.Vogel took her in her arms. Even though she was young and had no children, she felt it so easy to be motherly. The girl sobbed quietly. “It’s okay, let it all out. Don’t try to be all muffled for me Steph, it’s fine.” With that, the girl cried louder, it sounded how she felt…hopeless. She dug her nails into the woman’s back as if to make sure she’d never leave her as she became weak and let her weight be supported by her.

The girl looked at the microwave’s time in the kitchen from where she stood. She pulled her phone out to check the time on there instead, she always trusted her phone more. It was 8:13pm. Shit! My dad’s gonna be pissed!” she sighed in distress “I don’t wanna go home…I don’t wanna go home.” she whined. “What if you stayed here instead?” She nodded eagerly “I’ll text him. I really don’t wanna talk to him at all.”